It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
