Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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