im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I can't put those talents on a resume
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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