Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
this must be what syphilis tastes like
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
