god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
