fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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