good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
