If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
