It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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