There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Randomize