I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize