i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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