im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
