Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
