He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
