Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
