If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
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