The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
