you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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