The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
