i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
