if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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