She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Randomize
