i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
