I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize