i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
