Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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