wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
