i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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