She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
