Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
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