Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
