Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
