eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
