Jerry, you need to find god
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
