My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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