Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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