How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize