At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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