Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
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