Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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