dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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