i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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