Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Randomize
