I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
