what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize