I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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