so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
