i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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