I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
