The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Duck Duck Cougar?
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
