you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
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