so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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