Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
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