im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
How does one acquire holy water?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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