i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
