She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
