Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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