Will you blow on my dice?
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
